Tuesday, April 4, 2017

4 years ago - Divorce Papers Sent.

Lots have changed within the last 4 years in my life. Whether it is changed for the better I am sure it's pretty subjective. I love my life don't get me wrong. I knew there were things wrong in my marriage, my life and I allowed for this behavior, actions to occur. Yes I allowed.
When you figure out what is wrong, start thinking about the variables, you find out you actually allowed certain behaviors to occur which led you to these outcomes.

I know it may sound harsh or even hard to understand, but knowing happens in your life normally without your approval, and for allowing shitty behavior, I allowed someone to treat me that way. By doing everything in household without asking for a lot of help-- I allowed others to think I was a maid.

I don't blame other people for my actions. Although I cannot control others peoples actions, I can control my actions that can impose their thought process. When you think of it that way, you start thinking about life in a different manner altogether.
For one- if you don't like someone's behavior you think about how you allow them to treat you.
When I hear couples blame others for their issues, what you don't see is the whole picture. It takes 2. End of the day takes 2. I am not saying I am against relationships or anything like that but people really need to take into consideration what is going on in their heads and what they are spitting out onto the world, which can allow certain actions.

If you treat your spouse like crap and don't spend time with them, they will won't expect much from you. If you allow this behavior and carry on, the other person will think it okay. But when you get mad at these actions without even discussing it, this is where the issues start. Most affairs and straying from the marriage occurs this way. Regardless, mentally, physically, etc, doesn't even matter if you don't discuss your problems up front your relationship is totally lost in the long run.
Secondly- people change and that is okay. We all try to strive to stay in love with the people we set forth to be in a relationship or marriage with. But here is the deal, we all change. If you are growing as a person, career-wise, and every other way- which is healthy you need to keep talking about your expectations, which as you go on will change. That is not an IF, it's a when will it happen. If you think things won't change you are being completely unrealistic and your relationship will fail.
Thirdly- Life goes on, doesn't matter how you got there life does go on, doesn't matter how shitty situation is you get through it. Life does continue and in due time life gets better. Mind you life won't ever be the same cause it won't, but you will be smarter and better in control of your life for your future relationships.
Fourthly- You tend to have some awesome friends that help you through this process, which liquor is involved. Lots of it. Expression hurt so good? Well, it does. When the wear and tear, sinks in, o SHIT, I just had the divorce and asset papers in, you go wow, the last 10 years, boom are over. And now I have a completely different life.
Life changes in an instant. House gets sold, farm, my horses got put somewhere else (I had to pay board), I ended up living in a crappy apartment for a time, but ya know what? It was amazing. It was decision, my life and I was free.
Free from any bullshit, aggression, and I could literally just focus on me, which for a long time I just focused on making someone else happy, keeping a household, the farm...and all the other shit.
I loved my friends that helped me through this. The long nights, dancing, parties, drinking. I needed that. I spent 10 years on some insane crazy train where I was restricted for so long and it was nice to try to figure out who I was really.
When things went down I had some great friends that helped me with my life, my career and my horses. Its amazing how many incredible people came out of the wood words to help me. Made me feel incredible loved and very comforting to know that the human race is not completely lost.

Life is not easy, its not suppose to me. Its suppose to be a ride though. End of the day its you and the open road. You make the decision what you will do, Ride or Die.

Will I ever get remarried? I am not sure. I been proposed to a few times at this point....just I know for myself being single, keeping things separate, keeping me me, is the most important thing I learned from this whole thing. People lie, people cheat, and I have definately become a different person for this. Any relationship I go into now I fully background check them and don't take them at face value or any BS stories. Cause heres the deal you think you got shit? Other people have crazier shit, which their spouses, or whatever allows...think about that one right? ;) So get down with knowing yourself first and foremost love yourself