Sunday, September 27, 2015

Test of the wills

Last few weeks have been a test of the minds let me tell you with lots of show prep. Social norm is obviously the opposite way, but when people eat healthy and workout a lot, its suddenly an issue. As a fitness person you teeter in weight, its actually very common and whether I am 120 or 150, it doesn't matter my measurements speak volumes, as well as my body fat %.

I strive for whatever at the time my ideal is, whether show, lifestyle or whatever hell the goal might be. Sure I am lean and I will get leaner, its the goal and its show season. But I guess if I was going the other way people would be okay with that? I doubt that as well, and they would tell me I was getting chubby. With anything it takes great strength to pull yourself through something and trying to achieve a more perfect physique especially for competing you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. Yup, cutting some carbs, cutting sugars, cutting dairy. And Changing workouts, ADDING in cardio.

There are no short cuts. No pills, or any easy answers. Takes daily work regardless of whatever your fitness goals. Get up stay active, there are no rest days in life.

Am I perfect no? Do I try to control my surroundings? Yes. I will remove myself around people or things that will affect my goals, its just that simple. Obviously there are items I cannot control.

At this time I am dealing with a terrible painful, emotional roller coaster of losing something very close to me. RiRa. I know some people might not understand this kinda of connection, but I am told its very similar of those with a child. Regardless, he has been my guiding light for many years. Helped me through many hard times and very shortly I will have to say good bye.. You don't get to pick good times or bad. There are seasons for everything. We all go through it. I am going to beast through and use my pain and letting go of this amazing horse which helped me in every inch of my life, as my force to continue. Life isn't always 100% way you want, it never will be. There are things you want, sure..but you know what you need. Your inner self knows what your suppose to be doing, and many times doing the right thing honestly will feel like the worst possible thing ever, but in the case with my beloved horse RiRa, his options are very limited. He is in pain and I cannot allow a friend of mine like this to continue. I am giving myself sometime obviously to adjust to the idea of letting go, but regardless it will be rough. I will overcome it. I look at him and he tells me what I need to do. Nature tells you if you listen and I have my ears pretty open at this point to figure it out. There is a time for everything and a season...and for this season the start of Fall--a loss of a friend will have to be something in the cards for me.

Remembering how far I came, what I had to do to get with my horse remembering the good times. The amazing beach rides, horse shows, trail rides and whatever snuggle sessions I stole in between moon lighting. I am truly blessed. I am glad that I have such amazing friends and family, to be able to support me through probably one of the more difficult times in my life. (Honestly, probably even worse then me filling out divorce papers..)- hey I'm honest with this one. My horse is worth a lot in my eyes.

Not everything in life is cheery or happy, its just that simple. This season apparently in my life is setup for heartache, loss and emotional turmoil. But how will I overcome? Well only way I know really know how. Keeping control of my workouts daily, keeping my head in the game and prepping my meals. I cannot control other crazy people or whatever else illness/accidents that can occur on my friends/animals, but my own life I have control. I know what I am doing, who I am and what I am capable of doing. Everything else is just noise from others. Taking the horse blinders out for a bit to even get more focused. This pony has her eye on the prize and November 14th, regardless what obstacles come my way I will attack them full force, no matter what they are.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Things I would tell my 20 year old self.

I will never say I will regret anything I have done or whom I was with. That’s just not how I am. My life, my experiences are built around different relationships and for that I cherish those memories, all good and bad. Although my marriage did take the tail end for the worse, I truly feel that has made me a better person. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and it does nothing for me now, but as in anything when you are young you tend to do childish things.

You tend to see everything in a greater light. Things are rosy, and anything can happy. You don’t see the negative of what may be right in front of you. Any relationship we be difficult, it’s just the fact of life. It’s very rare any of us get insight at that very moment or advice which we could have embraced. I have made a lot of mistakes in my past, I am not perfect by any means, and some had led to my divorce.

What I would tell my bubbly 20 year old self was, slow down and relax. Why would I suggest this? Normally people are in such a rush to do it all. You know the phrase, “when you’re older…” Yup, you hear this all the time growing up for things like education, meeting the man of your dreams, marriage, kids, etc. Take your time. Rethink what you’re about to do, and think “How will this better my life in 5 years, 10 years, etc….how will I change..How can I…” I feel many people don’t do this enough, and that is the problem in the world. Getting married early 20's sounds like a FANTASTIC idea, but really in the scheme of things, is probably one of the dumbest things I could have done. I didn't know myself truly then. From 22 to 32, I am quite a different person. That's not a bad thing, but its the truth. Sure I was educated and had my first "corporate job..", thought I was in love, I guess I was in love with the "idea of love". The idea of love sure is great, but love doesn't get your far. You need mutual respect, appreciation, passion, drive and ability to get up everyday to just want to push through life with this person. There should be some crazy passion, jump out of building, go diving in craving shit and hop on a plane at a moments notice, kinda love. Anything else is just wasting your time-- and I say this regardless if you have kids or not, having a kid isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone or get married.

One of my saving grace was advice from my mother as a child she gave me. She pushed for a great education at all times. My mother was an amazing stay at home mom. You name it she did it. Three home cooked meals daily, house spotless at all times, laundry, errands, bills, kid drops offs, involved in every activity,—you name it the perfect stay at home mom. My dad came home and his only job was to enjoy us. She wanted more than that for me and wanted me to have a backup plan. Why a backup plan? Stuff happens. You need to be able to stay afloat on your own, it’s just that simple. People die, people change, and people leave. As my lawyer said marriage is never forever, there is always an end game, they die, they leave..but divorce surely is forever. ;-) You need to be able to support yourself one and whatever else you have on your plate. In any situation, you need to be able to dust yourself off and move on like a big girl without anyone’s help or money- in order to do that you need to have skills to do that.
One of the biggest flaws I see in early 20’s is having that fairy-tale thinking. There isn’t a fairy tale, this is real life. No one is going to fix it for you and you need to truly take responsibility for your own actions. It’s not anyone’s jobs to fix you or make you happy. If you’re not happy, that’s a whole another issue all together and a level of dependency is not a very attractive quality so don’t assume anyone can meet all your requirements or wishes.

Identify behaviors that might be key to walk away. What behaviors am I talking about? There is a long list I probably could include, but really anything that could be subject to make you uncomfortable in any way or manner. Behavior such as: jealousy, hatred, quick attacks, mood swings, anger issues, verbal abuse. Use these items as red flags. Many times the signs are right in front of you. But your 20 year old self isn’t going to allow yourself to listen correctly apparently though. These points’ gets worse down the line and eventually will cause further issues down the line.

Trust yourself and know in your hear your right. I know early on we might question, but really when you know something isn’t right, go with your gut, there is reason for it. Don’t ignore these messages. As I get older I feel that I am more inclined with myself and everything around me.

I am not one to really every "Lets things be..", I like to think things through and will always be that kind of person. As I get older I see where things more clear and where things might have turned for the worse throughout my life. Knowing what you want, yourself out of life is what is the most important factor. Taking care of yourself is always number # 1, as Rodney Dangerfield said..“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."