I will never say I will regret anything I have done or whom I was with. That’s just not how I am. My life, my experiences are built around different relationships and for that I cherish those memories, all good and bad. Although my marriage did take the tail end for the worse, I truly feel that has made me a better person. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 and it does nothing for me now, but as in anything when you are young you tend to do childish things.
You tend to see everything in a greater light. Things are rosy, and anything can happy. You don’t see the negative of what may be right in front of you. Any relationship we be difficult, it’s just the fact of life. It’s very rare any of us get insight at that very moment or advice which we could have embraced. I have made a lot of mistakes in my past, I am not perfect by any means, and some had led to my divorce.
What I would tell my bubbly 20 year old self was, slow down and relax. Why would I suggest this? Normally people are in such a rush to do it all. You know the phrase, “when you’re older…” Yup, you hear this all the time growing up for things like education, meeting the man of your dreams, marriage, kids, etc. Take your time. Rethink what you’re about to do, and think “How will this better my life in 5 years, 10 years, etc….how will I change..How can I…” I feel many people don’t do this enough, and that is the problem in the world. Getting married early 20's sounds like a FANTASTIC idea, but really in the scheme of things, is probably one of the dumbest things I could have done. I didn't know myself truly then. From 22 to 32, I am quite a different person. That's not a bad thing, but its the truth. Sure I was educated and had my first "corporate job..", thought I was in love, I guess I was in love with the "idea of love". The idea of love sure is great, but love doesn't get your far. You need mutual respect, appreciation, passion, drive and ability to get up everyday to just want to push through life with this person. There should be some crazy passion, jump out of building, go diving in craving shit and hop on a plane at a moments notice, kinda love. Anything else is just wasting your time-- and I say this regardless if you have kids or not, having a kid isn't a good enough reason to stay with someone or get married.
One of my saving grace was advice from my mother as a child she gave me. She pushed for a great education at all times. My mother was an amazing stay at home mom. You name it she did it. Three home cooked meals daily, house spotless at all times, laundry, errands, bills, kid drops offs, involved in every activity,—you name it the perfect stay at home mom. My dad came home and his only job was to enjoy us. She wanted more than that for me and wanted me to have a backup plan. Why a backup plan? Stuff happens. You need to be able to stay afloat on your own, it’s just that simple. People die, people change, and people leave. As my lawyer said marriage is never forever, there is always an end game, they die, they leave..but divorce surely is forever. ;-) You need to be able to support yourself one and whatever else you have on your plate. In any situation, you need to be able to dust yourself off and move on like a big girl without anyone’s help or money- in order to do that you need to have skills to do that.
One of the biggest flaws I see in early 20’s is having that fairy-tale thinking. There isn’t a fairy tale, this is real life. No one is going to fix it for you and you need to truly take responsibility for your own actions. It’s not anyone’s jobs to fix you or make you happy. If you’re not happy, that’s a whole another issue all together and a level of dependency is not a very attractive quality so don’t assume anyone can meet all your requirements or wishes.
Identify behaviors that might be key to walk away. What behaviors am I talking about? There is a long list I probably could include, but really anything that could be subject to make you uncomfortable in any way or manner. Behavior such as: jealousy, hatred, quick attacks, mood swings, anger issues, verbal abuse. Use these items as red flags. Many times the signs are right in front of you. But your 20 year old self isn’t going to allow yourself to listen correctly apparently though. These points’ gets worse down the line and eventually will cause further issues down the line.
Trust yourself and know in your hear your right. I know early on we might question, but really when you know something isn’t right, go with your gut, there is reason for it. Don’t ignore these messages. As I get older I feel that I am more inclined with myself and everything around me.
I am not one to really every "Lets things be..", I like to think things through and will always be that kind of person. As I get older I see where things more clear and where things might have turned for the worse throughout my life. Knowing what you want, yourself out of life is what is the most important factor. Taking care of yourself is always number # 1, as Rodney Dangerfield said..“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."
