Tuesday, April 4, 2017

4 years ago - Divorce Papers Sent.

Lots have changed within the last 4 years in my life. Whether it is changed for the better I am sure it's pretty subjective. I love my life don't get me wrong. I knew there were things wrong in my marriage, my life and I allowed for this behavior, actions to occur. Yes I allowed.
When you figure out what is wrong, start thinking about the variables, you find out you actually allowed certain behaviors to occur which led you to these outcomes.

I know it may sound harsh or even hard to understand, but knowing happens in your life normally without your approval, and for allowing shitty behavior, I allowed someone to treat me that way. By doing everything in household without asking for a lot of help-- I allowed others to think I was a maid.

I don't blame other people for my actions. Although I cannot control others peoples actions, I can control my actions that can impose their thought process. When you think of it that way, you start thinking about life in a different manner altogether.
For one- if you don't like someone's behavior you think about how you allow them to treat you.
When I hear couples blame others for their issues, what you don't see is the whole picture. It takes 2. End of the day takes 2. I am not saying I am against relationships or anything like that but people really need to take into consideration what is going on in their heads and what they are spitting out onto the world, which can allow certain actions.

If you treat your spouse like crap and don't spend time with them, they will won't expect much from you. If you allow this behavior and carry on, the other person will think it okay. But when you get mad at these actions without even discussing it, this is where the issues start. Most affairs and straying from the marriage occurs this way. Regardless, mentally, physically, etc, doesn't even matter if you don't discuss your problems up front your relationship is totally lost in the long run.
Secondly- people change and that is okay. We all try to strive to stay in love with the people we set forth to be in a relationship or marriage with. But here is the deal, we all change. If you are growing as a person, career-wise, and every other way- which is healthy you need to keep talking about your expectations, which as you go on will change. That is not an IF, it's a when will it happen. If you think things won't change you are being completely unrealistic and your relationship will fail.
Thirdly- Life goes on, doesn't matter how you got there life does go on, doesn't matter how shitty situation is you get through it. Life does continue and in due time life gets better. Mind you life won't ever be the same cause it won't, but you will be smarter and better in control of your life for your future relationships.
Fourthly- You tend to have some awesome friends that help you through this process, which liquor is involved. Lots of it. Expression hurt so good? Well, it does. When the wear and tear, sinks in, o SHIT, I just had the divorce and asset papers in, you go wow, the last 10 years, boom are over. And now I have a completely different life.
Life changes in an instant. House gets sold, farm, my horses got put somewhere else (I had to pay board), I ended up living in a crappy apartment for a time, but ya know what? It was amazing. It was decision, my life and I was free.
Free from any bullshit, aggression, and I could literally just focus on me, which for a long time I just focused on making someone else happy, keeping a household, the farm...and all the other shit.
I loved my friends that helped me through this. The long nights, dancing, parties, drinking. I needed that. I spent 10 years on some insane crazy train where I was restricted for so long and it was nice to try to figure out who I was really.
When things went down I had some great friends that helped me with my life, my career and my horses. Its amazing how many incredible people came out of the wood words to help me. Made me feel incredible loved and very comforting to know that the human race is not completely lost.

Life is not easy, its not suppose to me. Its suppose to be a ride though. End of the day its you and the open road. You make the decision what you will do, Ride or Die.

Will I ever get remarried? I am not sure. I been proposed to a few times at this point....just I know for myself being single, keeping things separate, keeping me me, is the most important thing I learned from this whole thing. People lie, people cheat, and I have definately become a different person for this. Any relationship I go into now I fully background check them and don't take them at face value or any BS stories. Cause heres the deal you think you got shit? Other people have crazier shit, which their spouses, or whatever allows...think about that one right? ;) So get down with knowing yourself first and foremost love yourself

Friday, July 1, 2016

Down time from horses...

Its been almost 8 months since putting down my dearest buddy Rira. Do I miss him? I do. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. But what I have realized is what I don't have now is another outlet to allow me to relax, smell him, pet him, brush him and fully escape from the everyday bullshit in today's society. Sure I have the gym, but there is nothing like the fresh air outside hanging around a horse.
With this downtime I did realize other factors--is the care at many of this barns was not something I really wanted to have to deal with again. Some places really aren't up to speed, or even the people at them. Horse ownership is hard and for those that say its cheap its far from it. Depending where you are, 400-500 to start. Hay alone can be around 7-10 for a good size bale. That doesn't even include normal shots from the vet, and if anything happened in between could range from a simple few hundred to a few thousands...Last year of owning Rira I spent a lot trying to diagnose him.

I am not made of money, but owning any animal does not come without its costs. If you can't see yourself spending an average of 600 ( rough average once you look at board, etc) a month on 1 horse, than really you cannot consider getting one. Once you put in all those factors and saving per month for farrier, vet and other fees that could occur, mind you this doesn't include your truck/trailer if you have or any other specialty clinics, lessons, or shows you could attend. First time in a while though I am able to go on work trips, or even weekend trips without having to worry about my care of my horses. Do you know how much of an aggravation that is when you take off and you have worry if your horse will be fed or not? Or begging friends to help you?

I know I will own horses again, its just I have not found the right time now. Owning horses is a full time investment, money, emotional, sense of worry and everything else that gets attached to it. Other part is knowing when to say goodbye. Its our jobs to do this. Once its uncomfortable we need to be brave enough to let go. Hardest part, but the simplest and most prized gift that we can give them is dignified goodbye. To me, horse ownership has taken on a different view. There is a beginning, middle and an end. Although I didn't see it before I see it now. Its something I hope all horse owners think about, because it will happen at one point.

Summer Game Plan

I been working home a lot, which means pretty much 10-12 hour days. With my job anyway I tend to work more since instead of driving to the office I wake up, log onto VPN and work. Yes- work in my PJs. Do I get a chance to hit the gym? Sure I do, every chance I can. I moved to a new place which allows for a larger at home gym and I am situated in the country, which allows for lots of walks with my dog and a short drive to a few gyms. Which all of them I have memberships to. Whats my goal this summer? Well really its just to relax more in my life.

Am I lifting? Yes, daily or some sort of exercise. My goal is to sustain and grow my muscle while still keeping my bf % around 15%. Why is this? Well I have not figured out my next step whether I will do another show or not, and its easier to sustain this lifestyle than go off the deep end. Especially when your body is used to being so clean for so long. Plus I like being this healthy, I like having this clean bulk and clean muscle. Nothing like this.

I don't often weight myself, but I do take measurements as well as get my bf % done. Its truly the best way to measure. I really go by how I am feeling though on a daily basis. But for a while I have just let so many things bother me in the long run. I'm healthy as a horse, but I truly allow so much to bother me. I just care too much about everyone in my life. I have a passion for those around me. I never do things half ass. This summer though is about me and really looking at what I need. Sure others might come into my life, but if I am not fully grounded than there really is not reason for anything else. Life tends to teach you lessons you just need to know when to listen, breathe and take a step back from it all.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far. :)

Thursday, April 7, 2016

For everything there is a season..

And last night my Grandfather at 88 years old, slowly and peacefully passed away. I have no regrets, he lived a long life and we were grand all friends. I even got to talk to him earlier in the day, he told me he was proud of his Engineer granddaughter. That meant the world.

I figured I write a little bit about him, he truly was an amazing person and when he did something he never half assed anything and LIVED daily to the fullest. He was a miltary man, was in the Navy and met my beautiful Memere in bar near one of the ports he was stopped at. He knew right there an then, she was the one he would marry. 2 weeks later they were engaged and married. They didn't have a long honeymoon since he had to go back out and there was a hurricane, the day of their wedding which made things even more complicated. He traveled the world, was a decorated solider, smart amazing person. He was stern and soft. Loved his kids, grandkids and his animals. After leaving the military he worked for Levitan and Lacona.

Sadly after being married to his love of his life, for 65+ years, three children and retiring in Florida, he passed away and lost his battle to cancer. He never wanted to trouble anyone and he always just ehh- his pain or whatever what was going on in his life and always kept busy.

I am trying to remember him for the amazing person he was. He was not just some guy, he was a man that was on all different levels and most people today can't even come close to this. The type of honor he had for his family, life and country was beyond anything I have ever seen.

Wherever you are Pop, I am glad your not in pain anymore and hope we can hang out again in whatever fashion one day if that is even possible. Regardless, today is a stormy day. Just like any major event that happened in his life. I am happy that he was proud of me, since he knew I was proud of myself. That fitness, horse crazed, engineer which he often bragged about. Makes me smile. And that is the type of memories I will remember forever.

Until than on the flipside cheers to an amazing man. You helped build the person I am and for that I am thankful.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

3 Days out. You want to have what I have? Here's what you gotta do. :)

There are a lot of items that are key when prepping and getting ready for a show. Its just not 1 size fits all. you want to look good? You want abs? You want definition?

Here some items that I went through since January. Mind you I literally had less than 5 months between the last show, so my body never really 100% went back to where it was prior.

-weekly training sessions with trainer and posing
- 4-5 meals a day and a Gallon of water daily
- Carried meals and snack everywhere.
- Cut out all dairy and this included yogurt.
- Daily gym sessions, this included yes Cardio as well.
- Stopped all protein drinks a month in
- checked in with doctors/ got blood tests every month in order to confirm I was good on everything. (I am have hypothyroidism)
- Beginning of this went over with my nutritionist so I don't screw anything up including hormones and brain function.
- Pretty much kept away from any drinking and going out - if I did was a lot of large salads with grilled chicken.
-When I did cheat I used it as a "refeed", not a cheat day, but refeed, higher carbs, with lots of protein, not a lot of fat.
- Social life. If it didn't include something active I didn't do it. I stayed away from anything that was high liquor area and went to bed early as hell. I walked my dog, went on walk/hikes with friends and explored new areas. Its not something that happens over night, it takes time. But everyday builds. Obviously what I do might not work for others, but cutting out processed foods, dairy and most of my protein shakes, really has helped me health wise.

-Money: Have endless funds huh? Heres the breakdown:

12 weeks 500 Trainer.
150 Tanning. Normally I am just my normal color, I stay away from too much sun since I don't want to look older than I am.
Crystals for Suit 20 (thanks mom for fixing it, simply SUPER MOM!! )
Food? IDK 45 a week.
Protein and Supplements Roughly 350.
Fees and memberships 250
Drug tests 45, so silly.
Supportive friends that eye roll me while out asking for "stemmed veggies and other protein.." Priceless :) but FREE

Dig deep when you want something. You get 1 body-- and for anything I do I intended to do it the most healthy way possible. Remind you I am only 5'3 and I hold muscle pretty well. Fat normally holds onto its dear life on parts of my thighs, ass, arms and hips. Everyday my body looks different. Hormones, water, salt content, cycle, whatever, however you want to see it however my stress level and my coritisol levels are, you can appear different. One factor is weight I completely stayed away from, went by feeling of my clothes (which I am barely unable to fit any of mine at this point..) measurements, and pictures.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

About a week out

There are many things that go through your head when prepping for something like this. Sure you love to fit, my the lifestyle really needs to be something that is healthy. I am one of those people though when I do something or go after anything I put my heart and soul into it. There is no stopping me and I will never give up.

Money aside, since I did have to pay a coach weekly for some assistance, posing and what I needed to improve on, its a huge time factor. Towards the end I am spending 2-3 hours daily just on working out. Forget a social life, forget family, friends, or whomever might be special, because this is a GOAL I wanted and in order to do it I needed to prioritize. Whether it really pissed others off whatever, I tend to be one that if I have to say sorry for not being around to hold peoples hands, really I don't need to be in those peoples lives anyway. I am a goal driven person and I am very independent. This is not something for the faint of heart either, you will be told your not thin enough, and even a coach will grab that roll, or whatever fat you have left..Mind you I am now at 10% and that is not even enough. Its all subjective and that is how you have to look at it. I love my body and myself to know what to do and what not to do. I get monthly blood tests, get monitored by a doctor and see a nutritionist. There is no magic formula, especially when dealing with something like this. No magic pills - although I like to think my Aminos and multi vitamins are since they truly help when you are cutting carbs down. So- How am I feeling? I am feeling good. My skin is clear, by body is not hungry, my tests all show good, thyroid is Okay.. (I am hypo), and I don't take meds for this. Head wise, its just mind over matter. Your tired to do things, but you do them anyway. Its just like anything else in the world though, you want it and you find a way. I nap a lot, but that is not something that is any different. I have never slept well and I am lucky if I get a few hours without waking up, so naps in my world are very important to keep me in a healthy balance. Attitude? Feeling ready to take over the world actually and I'm excited to eat a burger and FRIES, just no bun, because I literally can't eat that much bread anymore it makes me sick. The healthier you are, the more you realize what actually makes your body feel not as well. Breads, pastas, heavy sauces, dairy, butter, heavy fats, processed crap all make you pretty sick and at times make you throw up. I can't even eat a slice of pizza from my favorite place anymore between the dough and the greasy cheese, it makes me very sick. There are trade offs obviously, but they are worth it.

My body is worth it, I am worth it and in order to live this healthy lifestyle its just what I need to do. I don't want to live on pills so I can eat pizza or some random processed foods. I don't want heart disease or end up high blood pressure with other issues. There are so many things I can avoid just being healthy and for me its clear. I feel better 100% being this way and anyone that doesn't get it thats perfectly fine. But when they are sitting their asses in a hospital wishing they could of changed something that will be the moment they truly felt they should of changed something. It all comes down to one change. Thats it. Its not something that happens over night, its simple swaps, walking more, teaching your kids to live healthier, etc. Life is about living, not about sitting home watching tv eating fried dough crap. So live a little, get out there take a drive to your favorite country spot and have a nice picnic and hike. Take in the fresh air and just enjoy life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

#3weeks out

Framing up pretty well !! Lots of lat work last few months. Absolutely loved it. My body has never felt so strong. Haven't really weighed myself, I have clue. And don't care.i know my "reg clothes" feel tight or loose in some places. It's really in all how you feel.

Framing up pretty well !! Lots of lat work last few months. Absolutely loved it. My body has never felt so strong. Haven't really weighed myself, I have clue. And don't care.i know my "reg clothes" feel tight or loose in some places. It's really in all how you feel. Check with my coach- she says I need to loose more lbs on the mid section. So right now I am at 12% and need to be down to 8%. Happy 3 weeks to me..time to kick this shit into high gear!